Life Changes

Just before my mom passed away from cancer in 2018 at the age of 67, she was transported from the hospital to the hospice house. My husband and I followed the transport there very late that night. When they got her settled in a room, she was already very well medicated in order to alleviate what had become excruciating pain, plus they had administered sedatives for her ride over.

When the nurses left the room, my husband and I tucked her in and told her goodnight for what I accurately imagined would be the very last time. The cancer, now running rampant through her body, created burning sensations that felt to Mom like her hands were hot, then cold, hot, then cold.

My husband and I stood on each side of her bed, taking turns to lean down and whisper love and promises in her ear. When we finished, Mom gingerly propped her elbows against the sheets and held a hand up to each of us. We each covered one of her hands with our own. As the fire and ice sensations flashed through her hands moment by moment, she repeated,

“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”

...and we did. Over and over again.

Those were the last words my mother spoke to me, very likely the last she spoke on Earth. Thankfully, she leaned into the medication after that, and her body finished shutting down twelve days later.

Now here I am, seven years down the road without my momma. I’m settling into a new home in a town four hours away from where my children live. It’s not easy to move away from your children. My ‘baby’ is graduating high school in a few short weeks, making my husband and I empty nesters. And that’s another big life change, among still more. All of these changes bring wave upon wave of joy and heartache, often crashing down all at once.

Above the static of the tide, I hear Momma’s weary, but distinct voice telling me,

“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”

It’s advice that bears repeating, isn’t it? For hopes, and dreams, and fears. For thoughts, and breaths, and tears. For words, and moments, and memories. And for mommas, and children, and hands.

“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”
“Hold ’em tight. Let ’em go.”

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